One Million Word Sonic Fanfic Speedrun (2025)

"Well Sonic, I made it... despite your directions," Tails says.

"Ah, Tails! What's shakin'?" Sonic smiles, inviting his friend in. "Hope you're hungry, I got somethin' special cooking."

"Right," Tails says, "You have ne--" he chokes on a bit of nothing, "You have not... ever cooked anything in your entire life."

"Don't go countin' me out just yet!" Sonic boasts, oozing culinary confidence.

They go inside, Tails sitting at the table and Sonic going into the kitchen to prepare the meal.

But when Sonic enters the kitchen, he finds that his roast is burned! The oven billows black smoke. "What?! Aww c'mon man! Really?! Ugh..." he spots a fast food burger joint of mysterious branding outside his window. "Hmm... I could just get burgers and act like I made em'. Yep, I'm a genius. Huge genius."

Sonic gets up on the window to enact his plot, but is stopped by a knocking on the kitchen door. It's Tails!

[musical number redacted]

Tails face-palms, "Soooonic..." He gestures at Sonic halfway out the window. "What even..."

"Tails--! I, uh, was just..." Sonic pauses, "just... working out! Gotta keep my running legs, you know? Wanna join me?"

With several false starts, Tails decides the most important thing to say is, "Sonic. There's smoke coming out of your oven."

"What? Nahhh," Sonic feigns casualness. "That ain't smoke, it's steam! For the awesome... steamed clams we're having. It's pretty great."

There's a long, dangerous stare down. The balance of the situation could change with a single word, yet it's Tails who decides to de-escilate and leave the kitchen. Sonic runs off to purchase the fast food.

In the dining room, Sonic arrives with his fanciest plate loaded full of brand-agnostic burgers and fries. "Hey, buddy! You ready for the best hamburgers you've ever had?"

"...I thought you made 'steamed clams'," Tails says at length. He knows that something's fishy going on; he figures that it'll either be stupid or end up in him having to save the world.

"Huh? No, no, I said 'steamed hams'. It's what I call hamburgers...?" It sounds suspiciously like a question, when Sonic says it.

And now Tails is mostly certain that it's something stupid. To play along or burst the bubble right now?

Ah, who is he kidding. Of course he's going to play along. With the straightest face he can pull, he asks, "You call hamburgers... steamed hams?"

"Yep. Learned it from... Oil Ocean Zone, yeah. That's what they call it there," Sonic replies, cheesy grin looking rather stale.

Tails begins breathing exercises to keep his laughter under control. He hopes he isn't a bad person for this. "Oh? Where in Oil Ocean?"

"The... uh... Eggman part?"

"Well, I've been there--with you, actually--and we didn't see them call hamburgers 'steamed hams'."

"Uh... no, buddy, it's what the... robots call them, in their secret robot clubs. Really hush hush, you know?"

"Oh, of course," Tails says. He takes another bite of his steamed hams, and decides to escalate. "These tastes a lot like fast food burgers. Though I can't seem to name the brand..."

"Noooope! It's a... family recipe. Yeah."

"...For steamed hams?"

"Yep."

Tails nods as if this confirms a long-suspected theory. "And the fact that they're grilled is irrelevant?"

Sonic freezes in place, "Uh... You know-- I think-- Give me a sec."

"Okay."

Sonic speeds into the kitchen, then speeds right back out. In his rush, the kitchen door is a bit ajar.

"Tails, thanks for comin'," Sonic leads into.

"Alright," Tails stands up, before seeing the kitchen door glowing! "What-- Sonic, Sonic what did you do?!"

Sonic glances at the totally on-fire kitchen. "It's a firework show."

"A-- a firework show?! Here?! At midday?! Inside your kitchen?!"

"Yes."

Tails stares. "Can I see it?"

"No."

Sonic practically pushes Tails out of the house.

"Sonic," Tails says, trying to resist. "You-- I thought I heard fire crackling. What--"

"Sonic! The kitchen's on fire you imbecile!" Eggman yells from the back of the house.

"Nah, Doc, just sit back and watch the fireworks!" Sonic yells back.

Tails sighs. At least Eggman's probably got a fire extinguisher somewhere. "Alright, Sonic. You win. And you do steam a good ham."

With that meal behind him, Tails sends a nice call to the fire department just in case.

As a joke, he decides to write up a review on his social media pages about this 'weird restaurant' he found.

"Well Sonic, I made it... despite your directions," Tails says.

Sonic smiles, "Don't worry about it, buddy. Come in, I made sauerkraut!"

Tails freezes at the door frame, before turning and walking back to his car.

With a deep seething rage, Tails write up a review of the restaurant, complaining that they don't actually serve real food.

"Well Sonic, I made it... despite your directions," Tails says.

"Let your kraut be sauer, my child, and your belly full. Of sauerkraut," Sonic says, wearing his authentic days-old sauerkraut robe. "Blessed be your meal on this morn."

Tails takes a breath to respond to this completely unexpected situation. Bad mistake. The fumes from the authentic days-old sauerkraut robe enters his olfactory system, causing his words to become a strangled, "What--?"

"In the name of sauerkraut, disciple! Are you okay?" Sonic asks, leaning down to try helping Tails up. This just brings the smell closer. "Great kraut! I must take you inside immediately, new member of the sauerkraut family!"

"N-- Nooooo!" Tails says, being dragged into sauerkraut hell. He's shoved into a chair at a table, while Sonic goes off to get 'initiation sauerkraut'.

Tails tries to make a break for it, but his eyes are watering too much from the smell so he opens the wrong door. Inside is Sonic, hanging from the ceiling and speaking in tongues.

Turning around and running, Tails trips on a loose sauerkraut and hits his head on the side of the dining room table. He passes out.

Time: 48 hrs 23 mins

Coming to, he's sitting at the table, woozy. At the moment he gains consciousness, Sonic bursts through the kitchen door, holding a tray of hamburgers. "Blessed be this day! Sauerkraut! Sauerkraut!"

Tails is... reasonably sure that he should be able to tell the difference between hamburgers and sauerkraut--even given his possible head trauma. They're hamburgers. Fast food hamburgers.

Of course, Tails does not dare point this out.

They eat the hamburgers, with Sonic saying some insane things about sauerkraut 'love' and sauerkraut 'fun'. Tails just nods and looks for a chance to book it.

Luckily for Tails, a distraction in the form of the... kitchen being on fire for some reason? It's not the aurora borealis, that's for sure. You know what? Whatever. He's not going to look a gift horse in the mouth on this. He points and says, "WOAH! What's going on in there?!"

As Sonic turns to investigate, Tails sprints out of the house.

Running as fast as he can, he finally gets far enough away to feel safe. Sitting at a bench, he brings out his evil rectangle and begins writing up a social media post about a weird sauerkraut cult.

"Well Sonic, I made it... despite your directions," Tails says.

"Hey buddy--" Sonic pauses, seeing what his friend is carrying. "Wait, why'd you bring pizza?"

"I-- wasn't? You brought pizza last time, and I thought..."

Sonic face palms. "Right. Forgot to say that I'm cooking a roast this time."

"Well," Tails looks forlornly at his pizza. "Sorry?"

With a chuckle, Sonic waves it off. "Don't worry about it. Come on in; we can save the pizza for later or somethin'."

"Okay," Tails says, trying not to die from awkwardness.

Sonic takes the pizza into the kitchen while Tails sits down at the kitchen table. As soon as Sonic enters the kitchen, however, he notices the smoke billowing from his ruined roast.

"Huh. That's like, good and bad, huh?" Sonic says. Shrugging, he turns the oven off and turns right back around into the dining room.

Tails perks up, pretending he wasn't playing games on his phone.

"Turns out I burned the roast," Sonic says, putting the pizza box on the table. "So we're havin' pizza. Thanks for the save buddy."

They share some laughter and dig in. It's a great meal, with two friends hanging out and bantering. Eventually it has to come to an end, though.

"Well, Sonic. That was fun," Tails says, leaving.

"Yep! See ya!"

Walking home, Tails brings out his cell phone and records the events of the day in his diary.

"Well Sonic, I made it... despite your directions," Tails says, pushing past Sonic without even being welcomed in. He marches right into the kitchen without hesitation, staring at the smoke rising from burning roast.

"Woah! Hey-- buddy? What--" Sonic follows, surprised at how quick things are--

"Your roast is burning," Tails says, staring straight into Sonic's soul.

"It-- it's--"

"It's most certainly not steam," Tails says, not breaking eye contact for a moment. "I wanted fast food anyways."

Sonic nods, not understanding in the slightest. "Right! Okay, uhh..."

"Go."

Sonic rushes, using his Sonic speed to somehow make the workers at the fast food joint work lightning fast. He returns before a few heartbeats complete.

"Those are hamburgers."

"Uh... yeah?"

"And you call them steamed hams."

"Uh... no?"

Tails stares.

"I meant, yeah. Steamed hams. You okay, buddy?" Sonic asks.

"Aurora borealis."

Sonic falters. "What?"

"It's not fireworks, it's aurora borealis. Get the joke right. Fireworks, ridiculous."

At this point, Sonic's on the verge of tears and/or a heart attack. "I don't know whats going on."

"Well, Sonic, you're an odd fellow, but you steam a good ham."

Tails leaves Sonic rooted in the spot in pure unfiltered confusion.

On his way out, with the flick of a wrist, Tails scratches a single phrase into the wall:

Tails walks along the sidewalk following a map to his friend's house. He has a bottle of wine with him, which he's careful not to drop.

Still frowning at the confusing hand-drawn map, he manages to trip on a bump in the sidewalk. The bottle of wine goes flying, shattering against a tree; Tails himself lands face-first on the ground.

Getting up, groaning, he looks around. "Where am I? The map..." He glares at the map again, wondering if that particular scribble means left like he thinks it does. Just figuring out the orientation of it is bad enough...

The wine is completely gone, cast to the wind with shards of glass. Tails is far past the point where he cares--he's been wondering for hours at this point. If Sonic wants wine, he can get it himself.

Thick, deep fog starts rolling in. The white blur obscures Tails' vision, and he starts wondering if going to this 'luncheon' is even worth it. The fog's so thick he might drown in it.

An hour later and the fog clears--revealing that Tails has made it off the sidewalk and into a forest.

"This isn't right," he frowns. Turning the map upside down (again) might... make more sense, now that he looks at it? He sighs and turns around.

By the time Tails gets to the house, it's late afternoon. He rings the doorbell is greeted by a very surprised Sonic.

"Well Sonic, I made it... despite your directions," Tails says.

"Jeez. I thought somethin' came up and you couldn't come," Sonic admits. "Aaaand the roast burned. And I just ate some fast food, so..."

Tails stares, then laughs. "Fine."

"Fine?"

"Fine," Tails steps forward into the house. "Before I go, I'm teaching you how to draw a map."

"What? I'm the best at maps!" Sonic protests, but is stopped dead by Tails' look. "Okay... maybe it wasn't the best, but..." again, that look catches him short. "Okay. Okay! Maps. Got it."

Tails drags the idiot-- his friend to the kitchen, bringing out some paper and pens. On one of the pages, he begins to write a list of 'things to remember when drawing a map'.

"Well Sonic, I made it... despite your directions," Tails says, then looks down the hall leading to the front door. "...Sonic? Hello? Anyone home?"

There's no reply. Tails inspects the door, and it seems fine, no broken hinges or knob. Why'd it open on its own?

"Hello?!" He yells a bit louder into the house, but there's still no reply.

Without anything else to do, he slowly walks in. He's ready to apologize for entering without permission, just in case Sonic pops up somewhere. But deeper exploration just raises more questions.

A table set, ready with fresh ice for the wine Tails brought. The lights are all on, though there's no sign of a rushed exit. Going into the kitchen, Tails has a minor crisis as a roast burns in the over--he has to use the fire extinguisher to put it out.

The situation's really starting to unnerve him. Where is Sonic? Why is all this stuff here, like it's been abandoned a few minutes before his arrival? What--?

Through the open window of the kitchen, a blue blur jumps in, freaking the fur off Tails. He screams like a little girl.

"Woah! Buddy! It's me, it's okay!" Sonic says, "What--" he sees the foam from the fire extinguisher all over the oven. "Okay, I shoulda thought of that. See, this is why you're the smart one."

"Sonic--!" Tails starts. "Where were you? Why was the oven on fire?!"

Sonic rubs the back of his head, awkward. "Er... Well..." He slumps. "I was gettin' some burgers, because the roast wanted to get all burny on me."

"Fire extinguisher...?" Tails says, trying to comprehend the situation.

"I forgot about it."

"You-- forgot! You forgot you had a fire extinguisher. The fire extinguisher in the kitchen? This one right here? The fire. extinguisher. That extinguishes fire. That fire extinguisher."

Sonic just nods. "I got your favorite burger from that one place though!"

Tails stares at the paper bag Sonic carries. With the airs of someone carefully weighing his options he says, "You know what? Fine. Thanks, Sonic."

There's a cheesy grin on a certain blue hedgehog. "No problem, buddy!"

"Don't push it."

Their meal is perfectly serviceable for fast food. The highlight being when Tails asks Sonic about where his smoke alarms are and gets nervous laughter in reply; turns out Sonic burns a lot of meals, and 'got sick of the sound'.

As it's time to leave, Tails has one last thing to say. "Well, Sonic, you're a walking fire safety hazard, but at least you know how to ask for a burger at a fast food joint."

Sonic wipes a tear from his eye. "That's all I've ever wanted to hear."

Tails doesn't qualify that with a response. Making his swift retreat, he decides he's had enough madness for one day. Gearing up for a nice casual walk home, he reaches for his headphones, phone, and types his favorite ambient music producer into the search bar.

"Well Sonic, I made i--"

"Come on, hurry, inside!" Sonic interrupts, pulling Tails inside without preamble. "You gotta see this!"

"What--?" Tails manages to say, before being pulled into the kitchen. "Woah..."

Inside is beautiful. Streams of ethereal lights flow through the room, seeming to caress the atmosphere itself. Despite it being day out, the window is dark, and the ceiling is black as the night sky. Even small clouds, as if taken out of a painting, float around the room.

"What... What is this?" Tails asks, spinning around in wonder, eyes wide to take in every detail.

"I dunno," Sonic says. "The roast got roasted, if you know what I mean. But then the oven started doing the jig and spat this out."

Tails runs his hand through a stream of greenish-blue light. "It's... It's impossible. This is like the aurora borealis... But..."

"Aurora borealis?" Sonic asks.

"It's the northern lights. It-- the conditions needed for it to be localized within your kitchen..." He turns on his heel, pinning Sonic with a stare. "What in the name of all that is good and sane were you cooking in that oven?"

Sonic shrugs. "Just a normal roast. Put some glaze on it like the big shots on TV say to and everything."

"And overcooking it caused this to happen...?" Tails mutters to himself. "What did you set the temperature to? Not that any temperature would make this happen, but still."

"Somethin' like three-twenty-five? I followed the recipe, promise."

At that moment, Eggman yells from further in the house. "That insufferable--! The house is on fire!"

"No, Doc, it's just the northern lights," Sonic calls out. At Tails' look he chuckles. "Don't worry about him. He's on proboscis."

"Probation."

"Yeah, that."

Tails squints. Could Eggman have done this? Maybe, with absurdly delicate technology. But the little Tails knows about effects like this implies that it should be frying the fur off his tails. And anyways, to what end would Eggman do this and make it look like a freaking cooking accident? A distraction?

Eyes widening, Tails says the obvious. "Eggman set this up to distract you so he can sneak out."

"But I just heard--" Sonic starts.

Again in the exact same voice, like it's playing on a recording, Eggman says, "That insufferable--! The house is on fire!"

"Well..." Sonic says, before slumping. "I'll go look for him."

Tails just nods, eyes glued to the marvel before him. "I'll stay here and study this. It's my moral imperative as a curious thinking person to do so."

"Sure... whatever you say, buddy," Sonic says, charging off to find Eggman.

He begins noting down observations on a napkin, determined to figure out how Eggman pulled this off while under house arrest and under Sonic's (questionably) watchful eye.

"Well Sonic, you're an odd fellow, but you steam a good ham," Tails says, walking away.

"What-- hey, where're you going? Tails? You just got here!"

Tails writes an internet review praising the speedy service.

"WELL SONIC-- I--" Tails tries to yell over the thumping bass as it shakes the very earth the house is built on. "I-- I MADE IT!"

"WHAT?!" Sonic yells back; he's long since sacrificed his hearing to the bass gods. "WHATEVER! C'MON IN! THE PARTY'S GREAT!"

Against his better instincts, Tails decides that yes, he does in fact want to go inside the Tinnitus-inator 9000. Walking through the entryway is like entering another world entirely. Where once was calm, orderly society is now a wall-to-wall rave.

"THE BAND'S IN THE KITCHEN IF YOU WANNA HEAR IT BETTER!" Sonic yells, not yet calibrated to the fact that he's suffering dramatic hearing loss. "REALLY FEEL IT IN YOUR BONES, YA KNOW?!"

Tails already holds his hands over his ears for the slightest protection, making communication even more fraught with error. "WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE AURORA BOREALIS IS IN THE KITCHEN?! WHAT?!"

Sonic doesn't know Tails said anything, because his back was turned and he couldn't see Tails talk. "YEAH AND WE GOT SOME OF THOSE STEAMED CLAMS YOU LIKE!"

"S- STEAMED HAMS?! WHAT'S--" Tails asks.

"WHAT?! NO I SAID STEAMED CLAMS! CLAMS!"

"WHAT DO CLAMS HAVE TO DO WITH THIS?!"

Sonic rubs his ear, wondering if something's stuck in it. "SORRY BUDDY! I DIDN'T GET THAT!"

"YOU'RE AN ODD FELLOW, SONIC, BUT THIS TAKES THE CAKE!" Tails yells, deciding that this isn't the kind of party he likes.

"CAKE?! YOU BROUGHT CAKE?!" Sonic asks, excited. "WHOOO!!"

"NO, I'M LEAVING!"

"YEAH, LEAVE IT HERE!"

Tails opens his mouth to respond, then gives it up as a lost cause. Walking out of the house is pure bliss for his abused ear drums. He takes a selfie in front of the house, writing a little comment about why he hates loud parties.

"Well Tails, I made it... even though your directions were pretty rough," Sonic says.

"Ah, Sonic!" Tails says. "Glad you could make it. Sorry about the directions, I--"

BEEP BEEP BEEP

Tail jumps and turns. "That's the fire alarm!"

"That's how you know the food's cooked, yeah?" Sonic asks, completely serious.

"What-- no! What are you--" Tails shakes the odd comment out of his head, rushing inside.

BEEP BEEP BEEP

He grabs the fire extinguisher and rushes into the kitchen, managing to deal with the burgeoning fire before it becomes an inferno.

"Woah, I know I said I wanted it well done, but wow..." Sonic whistles, strolling into the kitchen. "So..."

His heart still beating a million miles a minute, Tails puts down the fire extinguisher and sits on the floor. "The roast is ruined..."

"You know, I think 'I stopped the house from burning down' is the better thing to say," Sonic suggest. "We can just pick up food or something. No biggie."

"Really?" Tails asks.

"Yeah, really really."

Tails nods, sighing. "Okay. There's this burger place nearby, even though I can't remember its name."

"I know the place, I'll run over there," Sonic says, blasting off again.

Tails calms his heart down to 'just stopped panicking' levels. Forlornly, he stares at the charred and foamy remains of his roast. Actually, should he still call the fire department for this? Like, the fire's already out, and the alarms have turned off. Deciding to be productive, he takes out his evil rectangle and types the question into the search bar.

"Well Sonic, I made it... despite your directions," Tails says.

Sonic just laughs before inviting his friend in. But as they walk down the hall, Tails trips on seemingly nothing. Randomly flailing to try to break his fall, Tails accidentally grabs Sonic and pulls him down with him.

Then they fall through the floor.

Not that the floor breaks, or has some sort of trap door--they go through it, like one of them fancy video games being all jank and stuff. Just straight through the floor.

"Oof!"

"Ugh..."

Both take a moment to catch their breath from the hard landing. At first glance, the surrounding area looks much like the hallway they just fell through--enough so that it makes Tails wonder why the fall was so hard.

Then Tails looks back to where the front door is supposed to be, only to find smooth wall. The windows are gone. Turning around, the hall seems to stretch to the horizon, far far into the distance.

"...Sonic? Are you seeing the same thing I'm seeing?" He asks.

"Well, if you're seein' the hallway stretching out like one of those old toys, then yeah." Sonic turns to check out the area-that-once-held-a-door. "Who needs doors. Never liked 'em anyways. Always gotta stop to open them."

Tails gapes at him. "Sonic! This is serious! We just..." he looks up at the ceiling. "Fell through the floor? I think? Or would it count as the ceiling now? I wasn't paying that much attention, since I was focused on the fact I was falling."

Sonic stands up, dusting himself off with a half-grin. "I can speed on down this hallway and see what's up at the end, yeah? Yeah," without waiting for any comment, he does just that.

Quicker than Tails can think of some clever thing to say, Sonic returns.

"Hey, the kitchen's still there! It's weird, but that's fine. Still want that lunch?" Sonic asks.

"I-- What? Sonic, did you hit your head when we fell?" Tails asks.

Just then, Sonic returns again.

"Woah! Hey, it's me!" Sonic says, fist bumping the other Sonic. "Hey, dude, what's up?"

"Oh you know, the yoozh," Sonic says, following up the fist bump with a thumbs up. "Tails is here! Got that lunch ready?"

"Yeah, totally," Sonic says. "It'll be unforgettable."

Confusion is a word used to describe a lack of understanding. Unfortunately for Tails, his confusion evolved into a new form never before seen.

"What."

Sonic wraps his arm around Tails' shoulders. "Don't worry about it, buddy! We got this, just you wait."

"Yeah!" Sonic says. "Well, I'm gonna go check on the food. Peace!" With that he runs off, leaving only Sonic and Tails in the long hallway.

"...What."

They start walking down the hall. The progress is painfully slow for Sonic, but he understands that his friend isn't that fast.

Tails watches in abject disbelief as they cross the same potted plant five times. One of the many doors in the hallway is ajar, but when Tails looks into it a green eye glares back and the door slams shut.

Another door has dark gray smoke billowing out from the crack on the bottom.

"Is... is something on fire in there?" Tails asks, though reluctantly. He's not really sure if he wants to know what's going one here.

"What? Naaaah," Sonic says, sounding overly flippant. "That's steam. From the steamed clams we're having. Mmmmm. Tasty, huh?"

Nodding like that makes any sense at all, Tails decides that this line of questioning has come to an end. He also ignores Sonic nervously swiping sweat off his brow.

He also ignores the mysteriously Sonic-sounding voices muttering from behind the doors. To be totally honest, he's basically shut down at this point, mentally speaking.

About half an hour into the walk down the hallway, another Sonic skids to a stop in front of them. "You're gettin' close!" He glances at Sonic, seeming to share a silent conversation with himself.

Sonic nods, "Right. Hey, Tails, you like ham, right?"

Tails nods.

"See? It's all good," Sonic says, having Sonic leave in a burst wind from the speed.

Over an hour passes before they make it to the kitchen. And by 'kitchen' it's of course meant 'giant stadium'. And by 'giant stadium' it's of course meant 'filled every seat in the audience with Sonic the Hedgehogs'.

They're all watching and cheering. In the center of the 'field'--if you can call tiled linoleum flooring a 'field'--is a kitchen table. Two seats.

"Have a seat!" Sonic says, guiding Tails to the table.

Sitting down causes the audience to erupt in cheering and clapping. A beach ball is thrown around, which makes things fun for a few Sonics, but generally worsens the experience for most of them because they feel left out of the beach ball thing. Some Sonics have foam fingers, with the really adventurous ones having two foam fingers.

A Sonic walks up and down the stairs yelling, "Steamed [redacted]! One million dollars! Get your fresh steamed [redacted] here!"

Tails stares off into the distance. He says only one thing, "I want to go home."

Nobody listens.

Just then, a Sonic wearing a referee outfit blows a whistle right in Tails' ear, making him jump twenty feet in the air. "AAAH!"

The referee Sonic gives Tails a yellow card then sprints away. On the card is written:

GO TO THE KITCHEN

Looking up, Tails sees a glowing neon sign with the words 'KITCHEN' written on it. The sign ends in an arrow, pointing towards a generic wooden door built into the side of the stadium. Neither of those things were there before, but Tails is far past the point of questioning it. He'll worry about that kind of thing in therapy.

With no better option, he gets up from the table and begins the walk to the so-called 'KITCHEN'. Of course, the audience hushes into expectant silence as Tails stands up; there's stage fright, and then there's whatever Tails experiences as a million green eyes pierce his soul.

So what if he sprints as fast as he can to the door? He's not going to feel shame about that.

Inside the kitchen is...

Well, it's a normal kitchen. With a window! The potential for escape is destroyed, however, by the fact that Sonic--or at least one of those Sonics--is straddling the window.

Actually, now that Tails is looking closer, he's pretty sure that's a facade of the outside world--the lighting's all weird...

"Oh! Tails. I was just... stretching! Wanna join me?" Sonic says.

Tails doesn't respond. Instead he just looks towards the oven billowing smoke.

"That's just steam, buddy." Sonic says, grinning. "You know, steamed clams, right? Remember? Go sit down, I got this."

He swallows hard, then does as directed, leaving the kitchen. As he enters back into the 'field', the Sonics in the audience redouble their cheering. Some of them have acquired vuvuzelas, adding to the cacophony.

Half way to the table, a group of Sonics pull squares out from the bottom of their seats, lifting them up. Put together in the way they are, the combined picture makes Tails' face. Nothing weird about the face, just him smiling, but that's cold comfort.

Speaking of cold comfort, the chair he sits on gives him a direct line of sight with the kitchen door. Experiencing a near complete mental collapse scenario, all he can do is stare dead ahead and hope it's over soon.

Luckily--for a certain definition of 'luck'--the kitchen door opens quickly, revealing Sonic holding a large serving tray. The audience's noise reaches apocalyptic levels, with fireworks and everything. Fighter jets fly overhead, and the jumbotron screen shows a live close up of Tails face--this one isn't smiling, obviously.

Using his super speed, Sonic rushes over to the table, placing down the meal. "Hope you're ready for hamburgers! Made fresh and all that chef stuff!"

Now, to be very clear, Tails has no intention of speaking. His will to talk, let alone to Sonic in this exact situation? It's not literally zero, but it's close enough that the remainder is a rounding error.

Unluckily--for the common definition of 'luck'--the Sonics disagree. Again the stadium descends into dead silence. Even the Sonic serving the meal leans forward in anticipation. Another Sonic zooms up, holding a boom mic and placing it right in front of Tails face.

They want him to talk.

But to say what?

"Uh..." Tails' voice booms over the speakers for all to hear. In the end, in the last extremity, Tails just asks the obvious. "I thought we were having steamed clams...?"

Still dead silence.

"Nah, buddy," Sonic says, "I said 'steamed hams'."

Tails tries to swallow, but seems to have forgotten how in the last couple minutes. "Oh... Okay."

Finally, the silence ends as the crowd goes back to their cheering and talking. Sonic sits down at the other chair, and motions for them to start eating. Fearing for more than just his fragile life, Tails complies, taking a bite of the 'steamed hams'.

Long minutes pass as Tails eats the single most stressful meal he's ever consumed. He's so tense that he's sure his food gets dissolved by pure cortisol instead of stomach acid. He used to like burgers. Used to.

"So, buddy, what do ya think of the steamed hams?" Sonic asks.

"Uh..." He looks around for any hint, any stage direction to help him say the right thing. Nothing. "They're great?"

"Psst." A voice sounds in his ear, making him sequel like a struck pig in fright. Turning slightly, he sees a Sonic dressed like a ninja whispering to him. "Ask about the food, okay?"

The ninja Sonic zooms away.

Let it be known that Tails can take a hint. "I meant, that they... uh... taste like hamburgers. From that one place?"

Oh no, he's going to be mobbed by Sonics. He insulted their cooking!

"No, they're steamed hams. Family recipe," Sonic says, waving it off.

Tails looks around the gathered Sonics. That's some family alright.

He takes a deep breath to brace himself. If they want him to inquire about the food, then so be it. If this is how he dies, at least it'll be to something new and interesting.

"You call them steamed, despite the fact that they're obviously grilled?"

Sonic freezes up at the other side of the table. "Ah-- you see... That's... Gimme a sec."

Tails freezes up too. Did he mess up? Say the wrong thing? Finally take it too far? Praying that his end is painless, he says, "Of- Of course."

Sonic runs off to the kitchen, then immediately back. "Weeeeelp. It was a good meal. Thanks for comin' and all that jazz."

Is... is this real? He can escape?! "REALLY?!" Tails blurts out without thinking, then coughs. "I- I mean, yes. It's been... unforgettable. I think it's time I made my leave, though."

There's nods all around. ALL around. From the audience, from the mic Sonic, from the ref Sonic, from Sonic. Tails gets in on the action too--the rush of being allowed to leave is just too much.

But his hope was too much for the Sonics, clearly. Because, in the distance, a glow begins. A beautiful ethereal glow, slowly consuming the closed roof of the stadium.

"What... What is that?!" Tails asks, pointing at the developing situation.

"Uh... aurora borealis?"

There comes a time in every person's life when they just snap. "A-- AURORA BOREALIS?! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! AT THIS TIME OF DAY, IN THIS PART OF THE WORLD, INSIDE THIS DISASTER OF A FUN HOUSE YOU DARE CARE YOUR HOME, CRAWLING ACROSS THE ROOF OF YOUR STADIUM DINING ROOM PACKED WITH YOURSELF, AFTER SERVING ME FAST FOOD CALLED STEAMED HAMS?!?! REALLY?!

Sonic pauses. Then nods. "Yep."

"I-- you--" Tails stutters past the first five things he wants to say. With a deep breath, he clams his screaming nerves, and says, defeated. "Okay. Can I please leave? Please? I've had enough..."

And just like that Tails is escorted out of the stadium back to the hallway. He almost--almost--doesn't have a breakdown at how every door in the nightmare hallway is open to reveal Sonics clapping and staring.

They make it to the door, a real door, that appears to lead to the real outside world. Tails decides that leaving the house is better anyways, no matter what's going on outside.

"Welp," Sonic says, grinning. "Thanks for coming. We should do it again sometime."

No. No they very much should not. "Okay. You're... uh, odd. But you steam hams well?"

The door opens, the clapping Sonics cheer as he leaves the house.

The door shuts.

He's outside.

There's an indeterminate amount of time spent on the front lawn, crying. Eventually, however, even the emotions of this situation run out, and he's left shivering in the grass.

Above him the sky shimmers with stars. He was in there a lot longer than he thought.

The trembling abates enough for him to operate his smart phone. Slowly, he types his home address into the GPS app.

"Well Sonic, I made it... despite your directions," Tails whispers, pulling back his black face-concealing cloak enough to prove that he's really him. "You got everything ready?"

"Shhh!" Sonic hisses, looking around the block to make sure no nosy neighbors are watching. "Come in, hurry!"

Inside, they're safe enough from prying eyes to take the hoods off their robes. Every window in the house has a black-out curtain on it, every light is off, and the only source of luminescence is old-looking candles--which were brought new from a website that sells old-looking candles.

Tails sits imperiously at the dining room table decorated with an ominous red table cloth--bought old from a second-hand store. They're not made of money.

In the kitchen, Sonic closes his eyes to focus himself entirely on the ritual. The first step began long before Tails' arrival, with the roast inside the oven. Thankfully, Tails' smarts were enough to calculate the time the roast would begin burning, timing his arrival exactly.

Looking at the billowing smoke, Sonic can only feel relief. Kneeling before the oven, the vessel, he prays, "Oh, ye gods. My roast is ruined," the words are exact, prescribed.

He rises from his position before the oven, moving towards the window. There, he stares forlornly at the blackout curtain, as if seeing through it for miles. Reciting from memory--those long nights spent going over the ritual with Tails paying off--he says, "Mercy beyond all," the words feel weird in his mouth, like his lips weren't made to form such sounds, "I may disguise my cooking with inferior foodstuffs. Truly, I stand amongst demons with such deceit."

Sonic lifts his leg and places it on the window sill, which is partially covered by the blackout curtain, which is a bit awkward but works.

Right on time Tails walks into the kitchen, carrying himself with the airs of a professional.

"Greetings," Tails says.

"Greetings," Sonic replies. "Cast aside suspicion and look upon this form; I move with purpose, and implore you to do the same."

"Perhaps," Tails says. "However, there appears to be a great billowing of ash from your vessel. Explain at once."

"Nothing moves past the notice of such eyes," Sonic says. "Still, there exists an error in judgment. For before you billows the vapors of water, not of flesh. We will consume mollusk cooked in such vapors this eve."

Tails leaves the kitchen.

Sonic, knowing what he must do, thrusts open the blackout curtain. This is the riskiest part of the ritual, the part where he must go out into the world, a world that may be uncooperative to the intent of the ritual. However, needs must. He leaves the window open, but places the curtain back in its spot for that little bit of extra protection from prying eyes.

Inside the dining room, Tails sits as statues do. He counts his heartbeats. It takes longer than he would like, but not so long to be concerning.

"Fare thee well," Sonic says, bringing in the fast food. "I pray this meal of 'hamburger' will suffice for such auspicious guests."

Guests. Plural.

"Perhaps fault lies in my poor ears," Tails begins. "But I believe there to be a mistake. Where is the mollusk? The vapors you spoke such charming words of?"

"Fret not," Sonic says. "For you see, it is my privilege to announce the vapors cooked a mammal, not a mere mollusk."

"Please disregard my incredulity, but I must insist the bizarreness of such a statement."

"Disregard I shall," Sonic says, struggling to remember all the words right. "As such words are spoken of in only certain populations."

"Truly?" Tails asks. "Indulge me, wherehence would such words be spoken?"

"Beyond the fields we know," Sonic answers.

"Indeed? I have been to far off places, and have found no such sayings."

"Nay, I speak of other fields beyond those you speak of."

"Indeed," Tails says.

They eat in silence. Each bite, each motion exact and planned. The air is charged with electricity, with potential.

After the right bite, Tails speaks again. "I must say, this meal is most similar to inferior foods devoured by the squabbling peasants."

"Not so," Sonic says, after taking a moment to remember his line. "You consume a recipe passed down from the very heavens themselves, into the hands of the oldest ancestors."

"A recipe to cook meats in the vapors of water caused via boiling?"

"You speak truth."

Tails presents the hamburger, the bold face lie for everyone to see. "And yet, with such confidence, you speak while the flesh has been burned over hot iron."

Sonic opens his mouth, closes it, adopts a shocked expression, then says, "Please pardon me for only the merest of moments."

"Very well."

Sonic goes into the totally burning kitchen, takes in the sight, then walks right back out the door. "The time for your stay in this house has ended."

"Agreed," Tails says, standing. Then, with as much drama club practice as he can muster, he points and yells, "Sweet mercy! What ever goes there?!"

"The scribes dub it 'aurora borealis'," Sonic says.

"I know of this matter!" Tails yells. "You claim it exists at the current clock face, with the sun sailing through the heavens, upon the lands in which we stand, inside thine home's holy place of food preparation?!"

"Yes."

Tails blinks. "Perhaps, my host would give leave for my eyes to gaze upon such wonders?"

"Denied," Sonic says.

They walk back to the front door, crossing the threshold and expelling tremendous sighs.

"Wow, that suuuucked," Sonic says. "You think it worked?"

Tails thinks back. "Some things went a little off script. You were supposed to say 'not at all so', not 'not so'."

"Awww! C'mon I thought I had it!"

"It should be fine," Tails waves it off. "The ritual's designed to tolerate small stuff like that."

"When, uh..." Sonic looks back at the house. "When will we know it worked?"

"Give it some time, Sonic. It'll be fine. I have to leave for it to work, okay?"

"Right. Right. Sorry..."

With a final smile and reassurance, Tails leaves. When nobody's looking, he cuts his finger and writes a bloody rune on the concrete in front of the house.

Tails stands at the doorway.

Sonic gestures to let his friend inside, thus beginning the luncheon.

Sitting down at the table, Tails puts the wine in the ice bucket to keep it cool for the coming meal. Then, he begins the waiting game.

Inside the kitchen, Sonic silently despairs at his ruined roast. But soon, his clever mind devises a plan: he'll go but fast food and pretend that he made it! Of course!

On his way out the kitchen window, he's interrupted by Tails entering the kitchen.

They stare each other down. Sonic lunges on the window as if he were exercising this entire time. Tails turns back to the dining room, allowing Sonic the reprieve he needs to rush to the ambiguous fast food joint.

In the dining room, Sonic arrives and quietly places their meal on the table. They eat for a while, until Tails shows the grilled burger to Sonic. Sonic, nervous, waves it off and escapes to the burning kitchen. On his return to the dining room, he points at the clock to signal to Tails that it's time to leave.

Tails gets up to do so, but stops dead and points at the burning kitchen door. His expression is one of shock.

Sonic shrugs.

Tails throws his arms up in the air, pointing several times and face palming.

Sonic shrugs again.

Tails points more gently.

Sonic shakes his head in the negative.

With that, Tails leaves to write about his odd experience eating a 'silent meal'.

"Well Sonic, I made it... despite your directions," Tails says.

Indeed, Tails made it! In his hand is a beautifully baked banana bread, based off Sonic's very own family recipe.

"You did! Knew you could do it, buddy," Sonic says, smiling.

They talk and banter while eating the delicious banana bread, savoring every bite.

When it's done, Tails asks, "Sonic? Do you have any other recipes?"

"Hmm? Oh yeah, tons. Want another?" Sonic asks.

Tails nods.

"Weeeeell... how about for 'steamed hams'?"

"Steamed hams?"

"Yep!"

Trying to imagine what a 'steamed ham' would be, Tails agrees. Since Sonic's working from memory, Tails has to transcribe it from his verbal directions.

"Well Sonic, I made it... despite your directions," Tails says.

"Tails! Buddy, I hope you're ready for an unforgettable launchin'!" Sonic says, smiling wide.

"I think you meant 'luncheon'."

Sonic steps forward. "No I didn't."

"What--" Tails is cut off by Sonic picking him up, "What--! Put me down!"

"Yyyyyahhh!" Sonic grunts, launching Tails out the door.

"AAAAHHHH!!" Tails yells, flying through the air due to the unforgettable launchin'. "AAaa-- wait, I can fly, right."

Tails can't decide if he appreciates Sonic's commitment to the bit, or if he's furious beyond the mere ability of language to describe. Either way, he's not likely to forget it.

Slowly hovering back down onto solid ground, Tails finds himself sitting on a park bench. It's a nice day out, so he takes out his notebook and starts writing a super loose draft for his next blog post--the topic being how to deal with a friend who likes puns a little too much.

"Well Sonic, I made it... despite your directions," Tails jokes.

"Tails! Come in, come in!" Sonic says, guiding his bestie to the dining room table. "I'll go get the roast, yeah? Yeah."

Tails just chuckles, putting the wine in the weird wine bucket that Sonic always has. Even though Tails has never seen the hedgehog drink a drop of liquor.

The wait isn't long, as Sonic comes back through the door with a beautiful, perfectly cooked roast. Tails' mouth waters at the delectable smell.

"You wouldn't believe the adventure this thing's been on," Sonic says, placing the ambrosia on the table and cutting into it. If the smell was great before, it's downright sinful now. "Had to spend all night dunkin' it in some sorta 'brine'! Old family recipe, you know? But I think it's gonna be good."

Some part of Tails notices that Sonic's making talking noises, but that part is quickly shot in the heart by the perfect roast. He just nods, and makes a sound that probably translates to 'please let me eat like right now please'.

They have a delicious meal, joking and laughing and enjoying themselves.

When the luncheon winds down, and everyone's satisfied, Tails stands at the doorway to say farewell. "I didn't know you were such a skilled cook, Sonic. Thank you for the delicious meal."

Sonic smirks, "All in a days work, buddy. Don't go gettin' lost on the way back."

Rolling his eyes, Tails makes his leave. Smiling, whistling a little tune, he walks down the sidewalk. Just as he's getting lost in his thoughts, he notices a sidewalk chalk stick; looking around, he sees that someone must have left it outside. Feeling mischievous, he takes the chalk and quickly writes something next to all the other chalk art.

Caveman Tails arrives at the cave of his friend, Caveman Sonic. Going inside, since cavemen don't have a concept of 'property' or 'invitations', he sees that Caveman Sonic's started a fire, with something clearly burning over it.

Weirdly enough, Caveman Sonic is halfway climbing through a hole in the back of the cave.

With a few grunts and pointing, Caveman Tails alerts Caveman Sonic to his presence.

Shocked, Caveman Sonic tries to play it off as him doing some sort of food ritual--this is communicated with much dancing, howling, and pointing at cave paintings of food on the wall.

Narrowing his eyes, Caveman Tails points at the billowing smoke from the fire. In rebuttal, Caveman Sonic blocks the view of it with his body, pretending it doesn't exist.

Deciding that whatever it is isn't worth it, Caveman Tails leaves the cave to wait for Caveman Sonic to get his act together.

Soon enough Caveman Sonic comes out of the cave, making the special throat sound that roughly means 'food'. Excited, Caveman Tails bounds up to see the 'food', only to be presented with something bizarre.

Holding it in his hands, he can see that it is, indeed, food. It smells like food, and his nose is only wrong some of the time. Beyond that, however, he's baffled. It's parts are shaped almost like a flat rock, the kind that Cave-egg-man likes to skip over at the lake. There's meat in it, he can see, but what the green stuff and the red stuff and all that is a mystery.

However, it smells really really good. So he takes a bite, then does the excited dance that means that he's excited and dancing. It's really good too! Where did Caveman Sonic hunt such a food?

Oddly enough, Caveman Sonic pretends that it's that totally burned roast that was over the fire earlier. Tails isn't having this, of course, so he goes inside the cave to see what's actually going on. The fire's burned out, but he can still see pretty bright lights from that hole that Caveman Sonic was crawling into.

Before Caveman Tails can go see what's up with the hole, Caveman Sonic stops him. Bringing him over to a wall with cave paintings, he points at one in particular. It depicts a beautiful vista, with auroras flowing through the night sky like snakes.

Confused, Caveman Tails points at the painting, then at the hole, then back at the painting, and grunts a lot. Caveman Sonic repeats this action as affirmation. Caveman Tails tries to visit the hole again, but is stopped by Caveman Sonic again.

Fine. If Caveman Sonic doesn't want to share the weird foods, then Caveman Tails will have to do something drastic!

With the ash from the burnt out fire, he quickly slaps something together on the cave walls.

"Well Sonic, I made it... despite your directions," Eggman says.

Sonic stares, then looks around Eggman's bulk to the neighborhood. Nothing is on fire, nobody's screaming, no robots, nothing. Just Eggman standing at his door holding a wine bottle of all things.

"...Hey?"

Eggman sighs, as if expecting this. "Tails said he was unable to attend, so I've elected to take his place. I assure you that I'm prepared for an unforgettable luncheon."

"...Tails said that, huh?" Sonic asks, suspicious. "Where is he, then?"

"Resting at home with an awful fever. He's burning up."

They stare at each other for a while, before Sonic decides he's had enough of Eggman at his house. With a swift spinning midair kick, he knocks Eggman out, then rushes to Tails' house as fast as he can--which is very fast.

Bursting through the door, Sonic calls out, "Tails?! You here buddy?!"

From a room down the hall, he hears a loud pained groan. Fearing the worst, he darts in to see--

Tails, laying in bed, an ice pack over his forehead, thermometer and medicine resting on the side table. His eyes are bright with fever, and his voice is soft and half-delirious. "...Sonic...?"

"Uh..." This is not at all what Sonic expected to see. He recovers quickly enough, though. "Hey, buddy. How you holdin' up?"

A long, drawn out groan is his answer.

"...Yeah, I get it," Sonic chuckles. "So... you really for real asked Eggman to go to lunch for you?"

Distant eyes stare through Sonic. "...Yes... Sorry..."

"Hey! Don't go worrying about it or anything. Just focus on gettin' better," Sonic says, signature smirk in place. "You need anything? Ice? Soup? Iced soup?"

"...Drugs..."

Sonic blinks. "Uh, buddy. Didn't know you were into that kinda thing, to be honest."

Tails glares as much as he can, given the situation. "..Medicine... Drugs... Pharmacy..."

"Oh, yeah, that makes sense. Whatdya need?"

There's some incomprehensible word spoken that Sonic would never in a hundred years remember. Back and forth they go, Sonic misunderstanding every time and Tails getting more frustrated. The stalemate is broken by the common sense of a hedgehog.

"You know what, just go write it down and I'll give it to the guy runnin' the counter," Sonic says, dashing off to grab some sticky notes and a pencil.

Tails scribbles down what he needs with shaking hands. Luckily, pharmacies are used to reading bad handwriting.

"Well Sonic, I made it... despite your directions," Tails says.

They go in, blah blah blah, etc etc roast ruined lies, then...

"Well, buddy, I hope you're ready for some egg rolls!" Sonic says, practically kicking down the kitchen door.

"What, I thought we were hav-- uh... Sonic? What?"

On the table, Sonic slams down Eggman. Snapping his fingers, he says, "Roll over!"

Eggman rolls around on the table, knocking over the wine bucket and causing the bottle to shatter.

"Egg roll!" Sonic says, arms wide as his grin.

Tails face palms, scooting back a bit to dodge the rolling Eggman. "You always do this..."

"Nah, this one's new, I remember," Sonic says, sounding smug.

"You know what I-- no, you don't care." Tails sighs. "Okay, it's a little funny. I'm still hungry, though."

Sonic pulls out a bag containing a meal from a nearby burger place. "Gotcha covered."

"...You're a hero," Tails says.

"You know it!"

blah blah blah eating blah blah blah Tails writes something

"Well Sonic, I made it... despite your directions," Tails says.

"Yeah, yeah, c'mon in!" Sonic says, rolling his eyes.

"Well Sonic, I made it... despite your directions," Tails says.

"I heard ya the first time," Sonic says, confused.

"Well Sonic, I made it... despite your directions," Tails says.

"...You okay, buddy? That big brain of yours goin' out or something?"

"Well Sonic, I made it... despite your directions," Tails says.

Sonic doesn't say anything, Tails stares back, blank faced.

Finally, Sonic opens his mouth to speak, "You--"

"Well Sonic, I made it... despite your directions," Tails says.

Sonic blinks. "They were that bad, huh? Sorry, I guess."

Tails doesn't reply, causing Sonic to perk up. Maybe they'll have an actual conversation--

"Well Sonic, I made it... despite your directions," Tails says.

"Okay, well, thanks for coming, buddy," Sonic says, slowly shutting the door. "See ya when you're not freaking out or whatever..."

The door shuts, and Tails giggles. With a sly grin, he brings out his phone and texts Sonic something that nobody would ever guess.

"Well Sonic, I made it... despite your directions," Tails says.

Sonic looks up from the burger he's eating. "Yeah, I guess? Sorry, never been good with maps. I just run around until I find stuff, you know?"

Tails takes another bite. "It's okay. Next time just give me an address and I can find my own way. GPS is a thing, after all."

"Sure thing, buddy."

"In fact," Tails says, perking up, "I'll give you a list of websites that make maps for you. That way you'll not get lost again!"

Sonic chuckles. "I don't really--"

But it's too late, Tails is already writing

LIGHTNING ROUND ONE

GO!

Tails says the thing then goes inside with Sonic and they banter and probably say something funny and/or repetitive. Then the roast gets ruined because divine intervention or something idk man I just work here. Why is there smoke coming out of your oven? Is your oven running? What's the name of the capital of Ohio? Fast food burgers of an unknown brand because giving more attention to fast food burger brands is not in the cards today thank you very much. Why would either of these idiots leave the obvious fire going? Like, Sonic's crazy and caught up in the lies, but Tails is supposed to be the sane one here and he just leaves it--there's stubbornness and then there's whatever Tails is doing. Anyways things go as ordained in prophesy and Sonic returns with the steamed hams. Right the steamed hams bit. The whole point. I thought we were having steamed clams. No it's Sonic burgers, old family recipe, named after Sonic because of course it is. Tails is incredulous of course and knows the bs is growing at an exponential rate, soon to consume the local light cone. Sonic is sweating bullets, don't let any bullet factories know about that. Somehow the meal keeps going without Tails calling Sonic out because that's funnier and this universe runs on comedy and spite. Eventually Tails does the thing where he says that they're obviously grilled and presents the burger to Sonic showing the grill lines, and it's really weird because before he turns the burger towards the camera it has a bite in it but after the turn is over the bite is gone and it's really important that at least one person comes to understand that this bothers the author every time he watches a steamed hams thing even though there's not been a good chance to explain this hyper specific thing yet. Sonic stutters giving everyone yet another look at more ways to write stuttering in dialogue. Who thought writing 10k words on steamed hams was a good idea? Sonic goes into the burning kitchen, aurora borealis and/or fireworks, Tails freak out climax, botta bing botta boom, it's iconic. Setup for Tails writing to get out of this hell, sponsored by ROB Soda™.

"Well Sonic, I made it... despite your directions," Tails says.

The door slams in Tails' face, and he rings the door bell to try again.

"Well... Sonic, hi?" Tails tries.

The door slams again. Ring.

"Well, Sonic... I'm here for an unforgettable luncheon."

Slam. Ring.

"Well, Sonic. I wish I knew the secret password."

You get it.

...

One hundred attempts later...

The door opens and Tails makes a sound sort of like a lawn mower running over a choir of frogs.

There's an expectant pause, then Sonic steps aside to let Tails in. "C'mon buddy! We can--"

"What the--! Sonic, your house is on fire! We've been out here for hours! Did you leave something in the oven?!" Tails yells, feeling the heat of the flames on his face.

"Nah, it's just... feng shui."

Tails doesn't qualify that with a response. Muttering under his breath about the stupid 'password game' that Sonic likes to play for some reason, he calls up the fire department while dragging Sonic out of the literal burning house.

When a firetruck shows up, it's manned by none other than Eggman.

"I give up," Tails says, completely done with this day. He's doubly done with the day after Eggman surreptitiously ties the fire hose to a hydrant that has the word 'GASOLINE' on it.

Ignoring the cackling of the Mad Doctor, and ignoring the Mad Doctor getting his butt kicked by a small blue hedgehog, Tails goes literally anywhere else to cool off.

He ends up in a mostly abandoned part of town, a place where almost nobody goes because there's nothing here. An abandoned factory has a door open, which he walks into. With a sigh, finally feeling alone enough to decompress, he sits down.

He idly doodles in the dust on the ground. One of those doodles gets a funny label with an arrow pointing at it.

"Well Sonic, I made it... despite your directions," Tails says.

Sonic's expression is unusually grim. "Tails, we have to cook."

Blinking, Tails tilts his head and asks, "What?"

"I've been diagnosed with a need for speed," Sonic says. "So we have to cook to get enough money for treadmills to treat it."

"...?"

"Good for us, I know the recipe for steamed grams," Sonic whispers, like it's a big secret. "We can sell 'em on the street."

"...Steamed grams."

Sonic nods. "Yeah. Come in! I've got it all set up!"

Burning with curiosity, Tails complies. In the kitchen, where it's 'all set up', is a bunch of beakers, bottles, tubes, and whatnot. Inside some of them is mysterious liquid in all colors and viscosities. It looks like the room of someone pretending to do 'science' without actually knowing what that word means.

Tails looks over at the oven and frowns. "Why is there smoke coming out of your oven, Sonic?"

"Huh? Nah, that's steam. We're cooking steamed grams, remember?"

"...Right."

Sonic mosies on over to one of the bottles--the biggest bottle, actually, the one that screams 'big science happens here'. Inside is tar. "This is where the magic happens!"

"Magic."

"Yep!" Sonic nods, grinning. "The old family recipe said I needed magic, and I'd get it by getting these weird 'coca' plants and--"

Tails coughs, choking on air. "You what?!"

"What?" Sonic asks, innocent.

Tails looks back at the bottle of tar and sighs. At least he screwed it up badly enough to not be an issue. "Just... Sonic, I need you to promise me you'll not ever make... magic again, okay?"

"Is it really that bad?"

"Yes. It's bad enough that you should probably burn that 'recipe'."

"Okay, buddy. I'll trust you," Sonic says, looking sad.

Tails sighs at the sad look. "Thank you, Sonic. We should clean this mess up. We can go beat up Eggman or something for money; no need to... cook, okay?"

With a hesitant nod, Sonic agrees. The clean up takes hours, with several bottles being shattered in the process for various reasons. Eventually, though, Tails manages to get his hands on the 'steamed grams' recipe Sonic was using.

It takes approximately zero seconds to realize that he needs to personally ensure this is burned, lest Sonic starts getting fun ideas.

"You said this was a family recipe? How? From where?" Tails asks.

"Uh... I found it," Sonic says.

"Where?"

"...Internet. I never said it was my family. Just a family. A big one."

Tails stares. "And the money you need for your diagnosis of..."

"A need for speed."

"...A need for speed. What doctor gave this diagnosis?"

Sonic mutters something, too low for Tails to hear.

"What was that?"

"...Dr. Eggman..."

Tails has to try very hard not to shout. His voice comes out even, controlled like a mean dog on a frayed leash. "And who introduced you to this... family?"

"...Dr. Eggman..."

He doesn't blink, he barely moves at all. "And you followed this advice, despite the fact that it's from your ARCH NEMESIS!?"

Sonic flinches. "Yeah... doesn't sound so good when you say it like that..."

"Doesn't sound--!" Tails chokes back his concerned fury. Taking several deep breaths, he speaks as calm and clearly as he can manage. "Sonic. Eggman just nearly succeeded in getting you to cook crack cocaine for the mafia."

There's a very loud silence after that.

Eyes wide, Sonic asks, "He-- WHAT?!"

Tails walks forward to put a comforting hand on his friend's shoulder. "It's okay. We caught it in time. And you messed up making it anyways. Your lack of reading comprehension saved you here."

"I... I asked you to come over to help... sorry..."

Shaking his head, Tails gives him a commiserating smile. "It's fine. Just, next time don't listen to any advice Eggman gives you. Unless it's good advice like 'drink water'--but not any specific water that Eggman indicates... Okay, I'll admit that it's a little more complicated than it should be, but you should always assume that Eggman's trying to trick you, and if it sounds really clever then you ask me okay? And if it sounds silly and obvious, then you ask me faster."

Sonic nods, grin returning. "Got it! Thanks for the help, buddy!"

"You're welcome. I'm going to write a list of things that Eggman might trick you with, and we're going to practice how to subvert those tricks."

"Uuuugh, do I have to?"

"Yes. Yes you really do."

They get to work.

Tails and Sonic stand in the front lawn, staring at the burning house. Firefighters pour water onto the flames, but it's long since gone past the point of saving--it's just to prevent the spread to other houses.

"Well Sonic, I made it... despite your directions," Tails says, eyes wide. "Not that it was hard to find the smoke signal..."

Sonic gives a dark chuckle. "Yeah, well. Thanks for coming so fast, buddy. I feel kinda stupid."

"Stupid?" Tails asks. "What happened?"

"I..." Sonic looks away the rubs the back of his head. "I left the roast in the oven."

"Okay--"

"Overnight."

Tails stares. Now is not a good time to laugh. "I'm so sorry."

Sonic sighs. "Yeah. I got the important stuff out. Fastest thing alive and all that..."

"Do you have anywhere to stay?" Tails asks. When Sonic doesn't answer right away, he continues. "Stay with me. Yes, it's fine. I refuse your refusal. Yes, seriously."

Seeing Sonic's slightly renewed smile is enough. For now.

Tails jots down his address to give to Sonic.

Time: 59 hrs 55 mins